GUTTED!!!!!!!!!

CD 1 Month 5 on Clomid

GUTTED!!!!!!! is how I feel today. I was so certain that this would be our month and I have been bought back down to earth with an almighty bump this morning.

I got up and did a first response pg test first thing and got a BFN so was gutted then anyway but now af has arrived I feel even lower if that is possible.

I had all the 'right' symptoms. My (.Y.) felt like they did when I was pregnant with Ellie, I was peeing for England and was so exhausted.

Dh was brilliant this morning and held me and cuddled me whilst I sobbed my heart out. He even joked that we would have to go back to bed everyday whilst the kids were in school to try and lift me.

At the moment I feel as if it will never happen again for us. I know I am so blessed and lucky to have Joshua and Ellie but I have always wanted a large family and it feels like it is slipping further and further away from me!! This is probably just the hormones talking though and on a positive day I do think it will happen eventually but I am not terribly patient!!

The only way I can try to deal with the huge disappointment of this month is to focus on May and come up with a plan.

I am going to really get back on the wagon and lose as much weight as possible. Now the kids are going to school I will start at either Weight Watchers or Slimming World this week and will also join the gym at our local sports centre as I am carrying a fair bit of excess weight and need to get as much off as possible. I only have enough Clomid left for this month and next month and if they don't work will have to get my doctor to prescribe me some more and I am worried that he may refuse if I haven't lost enough weight.

Also plan on using the clearblue digital ovulation tests to be 100% certain that I am ov'ing from day 11 onwards.

Plan on going back to bed with dh practically every day when the kids are in school as I am too tired sometimes in the evenings and much prefer it in the mornings.

I am in agony today with my left ovary. It is really giving me some jip!! Dh has been a star and walked to tesco express at 7am to get me some painkillers as the pain is so bad!!

Josh wanted to go to church this morning (he's a good catholic boy!) but I just want to sit here curled up on the settee watching the marathon and the F1 Grand Prix.

Josh has a St George's Day Parade on this afternoon with Cub's in the park but I don't really want to move as I am worried about it being so heavy (sorry tmi!!)but will have to make myself. I am hoping af is like last month where it wasn't too bad but I am in the most pain I can remember with it at the moment.

I need to get my blood test done again this week for anaemia to see if things have improved. I have no idea whether they have and am worried that if this af is really heavy then it will undo all that the iron tablets have done over the last month and a bit. Plus I have been so exhausted this week but that could be to do with the fact that I have been running round like a headless chicken sorting out the kids uniform ready for starting school tomorrow.

Dh is at work but at least he is off every Mon-Fri til the end of May when he does 7 days a week til the end of the season at the beginning of November. No doubt he will rope me into helping him whilst the kids are at school.

I really need a holiday at the moment but with the kids just about to start school then we have no chance. We had hoped to go over to my BIL's caravan for a couple of nights but never got a chance to with the kids deciding to go to school. Might see if finances allow if we can have a night away on our own at our favourite hotel around ov time this month. Finances have been tight the last few weeks as practically every penny we have has gone into our business so I hope it picks up soon and we start to earn some money or we will be living on bread and water for a month or two!!

Hopefully I will feel better in a few days once af is finished and we can concentrate on the month ahead.