GUTTED!!!!!!!!!

CD 1 Month 5 on Clomid

GUTTED!!!!!!! is how I feel today. I was so certain that this would be our month and I have been bought back down to earth with an almighty bump this morning.

I got up and did a first response pg test first thing and got a BFN so was gutted then anyway but now af has arrived I feel even lower if that is possible.

I had all the 'right' symptoms. My (.Y.) felt like they did when I was pregnant with Ellie, I was peeing for England and was so exhausted.

Dh was brilliant this morning and held me and cuddled me whilst I sobbed my heart out. He even joked that we would have to go back to bed everyday whilst the kids were in school to try and lift me.

At the moment I feel as if it will never happen again for us. I know I am so blessed and lucky to have Joshua and Ellie but I have always wanted a large family and it feels like it is slipping further and further away from me!! This is probably just the hormones talking though and on a positive day I do think it will happen eventually but I am not terribly patient!!

The only way I can try to deal with the huge disappointment of this month is to focus on May and come up with a plan.

I am going to really get back on the wagon and lose as much weight as possible. Now the kids are going to school I will start at either Weight Watchers or Slimming World this week and will also join the gym at our local sports centre as I am carrying a fair bit of excess weight and need to get as much off as possible. I only have enough Clomid left for this month and next month and if they don't work will have to get my doctor to prescribe me some more and I am worried that he may refuse if I haven't lost enough weight.

Also plan on using the clearblue digital ovulation tests to be 100% certain that I am ov'ing from day 11 onwards.

Plan on going back to bed with dh practically every day when the kids are in school as I am too tired sometimes in the evenings and much prefer it in the mornings.

I am in agony today with my left ovary. It is really giving me some jip!! Dh has been a star and walked to tesco express at 7am to get me some painkillers as the pain is so bad!!

Josh wanted to go to church this morning (he's a good catholic boy!) but I just want to sit here curled up on the settee watching the marathon and the F1 Grand Prix.

Josh has a St George's Day Parade on this afternoon with Cub's in the park but I don't really want to move as I am worried about it being so heavy (sorry tmi!!)but will have to make myself. I am hoping af is like last month where it wasn't too bad but I am in the most pain I can remember with it at the moment.

I need to get my blood test done again this week for anaemia to see if things have improved. I have no idea whether they have and am worried that if this af is really heavy then it will undo all that the iron tablets have done over the last month and a bit. Plus I have been so exhausted this week but that could be to do with the fact that I have been running round like a headless chicken sorting out the kids uniform ready for starting school tomorrow.

Dh is at work but at least he is off every Mon-Fri til the end of May when he does 7 days a week til the end of the season at the beginning of November. No doubt he will rope me into helping him whilst the kids are at school.

I really need a holiday at the moment but with the kids just about to start school then we have no chance. We had hoped to go over to my BIL's caravan for a couple of nights but never got a chance to with the kids deciding to go to school. Might see if finances allow if we can have a night away on our own at our favourite hotel around ov time this month. Finances have been tight the last few weeks as practically every penny we have has gone into our business so I hope it picks up soon and we start to earn some money or we will be living on bread and water for a month or two!!

Hopefully I will feel better in a few days once af is finished and we can concentrate on the month ahead.

Absolutely Exhausted!!

That is how I am feeling at the moment. I can't remember ever feeling as exhausted as I have today. I even had to have a nap this afternoon and I still don't feel any better for it!!

Am hoping that there is a very good reason for feeling so exhausted but am trying not to get my hopes up too much.

Dh has just got in from work so had better go and sort some tea out for me and him.

Tiredness kicking in!!

CD 18

I have been absolutely shattered since yesterday despite managing to get 10.5 hours sleep a night. I have stopped feeling dizzy and out of breath though so hopefully my iron tablets are helping things. I've got to have another blood test I think its next week to check my iron levels again.

I had a blood test for a haematinic screen just over a week ago (I'm turning into a pin cushion with all these blood tests!!) and haven't bothered to phone for the results as I figured they'd contact me if there was a problem which they have twice in recent weeks (I'm on first name terms with the receptionist now lol!!)

DH is watching a really boring film on dvd so I'm whiling away the time online until I can slope off to bed. I'm trying to stay awake til after 10pm so I will sleep better but I am struggling to keep my eyes open and stop yawning. I will probably wake at 7am though to watch the F1 Grand Prix. I've got quite into that lately and was watching the qualifying in bed yesterday morning and this morning. I'll be glad when they move out of Asia and get back to holding them at a better time here.

I've had a few aches around my left ovary area and am feeling pretty knackered but trying not to get my hopes up of this being the month but I really hope it is!!

Ovary Pain Again

I got dh twice last night, once as we were going to bed about 11.30pm and again at 1.30am in the early hours lol so fell asleep with a grin as wide as a cheshire cat lol!!

I am thinking it was just as well too as I woke up at 3.30am with sharp pains in the area of my ovaries. On a pain level of 1 to 10 this was a 9.5. It was horrendous. I managed to get to the bathroom and spent 20 minutes sat on the loo trying to breathe through the pain with little success. Eventually it eased off enough for me to get back into bed and I just had to lie on my back for a while as it was too painful to move.

It was a little painful this morning too (about a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10) but seems ok now. The only thing that really helped was wrapping my stomach in a fleece blanket and spent most of the morning lying on the sofa!!

I google it of course and have come up with two possible causes. One (and what I hope it is!!) is that is was my ovaries releasing the egg or Two its a side effect of the Clomid. I've been looking back over my diary and this seems to have happened for the last 3 months around the time I should ov so please let it be number one which would mean we stand a chance of catching the eggy.

After we'd finished babydancing in the early hours dh said to me, 'tonight is the night we might have made our new baby!!' I hope so!! At least I know we have tried our best this month. Things have been a bit better in the bedroom too that last few days as they had been getting a bit samey but I don't want it to be all about making babies. I want a baby obviously really badly but I want to have fun too lol!!

Will see if dh fancies a bit tonight lol too just to make sure. I did an opk today and if anything I would say that it was slightly fainter than yesterdays. Oh well. I need to stop over analysing things so much lol.

Babydust to all xxxx

OPK getting stronger!!

CD 13 Month 4 on Clomid

I am approaching ov now. Am very pleased as I did an opk on day 10 and 11 that were totally negative and yesterday there was the beginnings of a 2nd line there. Today the 2nd line is darker than yesterdays was but not quite as dark as the control line. So hopefully will ov maybe tomorrow.

Will grab dh as soon as he gets in from work around 8pm tonight and then again in the morning before he goes to work and again when he gets back. I really hope we hit the jackpot this month. It is so utterly soul destroying when you realise that you have failed again. I am feeling surprisingly positive about this month though so fingers crossed!!

Have just been relaxing this morning. Going to relax and watch High School Musical 2 in a second. Thankfully dh is doing a little better today and yesterday got better later in the afternoon. Fingers crossed the business takes off soon.

The start of a positive OPK

CD 12

I think I said I wasn't gonna do the OPK's this month but I can't resist. I guess I am addicted to POAS. Anyway did one on Friday and Saturday and they were both totally negative as expected. I did one just after lunch today and have a very faint second line so guess this is the beginnings of a LH surge.

I woke dh up this morning to babydance this morning (he was very happy lol!) as I had gone to bed and fallen asleep before him last night, and will try and babydance everyday for the next few days at least and continue with the OPK's. I am trying to relax about it all still though which is being helped by instead of me worrying about having a baby which has been at the front of my thoughts especially since starting clomid, I am know worrying about our new business that dh has set up. Hopefully everything will be ok and when I phoned him a few minutes ago he had done a bit better so it should be fine. At least it takes my mind off ttc a little and stops me obsessing about things quite so much as I now have the business to obsess over.

I've also just had a blazing row with my 10 year old. He is normally brilliant and really helpful around the house too but this last couple of days it is as if he is becoming a stroppy teenager. Today it culminated and all I asked was that he didn't eat all his easter eggs in one go as he would be sick and he went off on a full blown tantrum like a 2 year old. It was really embarrasing especially cos we were at my mums when it happened. He called me every name under the sun and I am still shaking about it now. I phoned dh and he is not happy with him. I have confiscated all his chocolate until he can learn some respect. He even threw a hairbrush at me which caught me on the cheek which is killing now. It is so unlike him. I want my lovely boy back and hope this isn't a sign of things to come as he goes towards the teenage years.

I've left him at my parents for a bit to calm down as we were getting nowhere. Hopefully when he comes back he will have calmed down a lot!! I think I need to calm down a bit too and plan on getting myself a nice spritzer and sitting in the garden enjoying the sunshine and devouring a good book!!

Happy Easter to anyone who reads this!!

Don't Quit Poem

CD 11

I came across this poem today and thought I would post it here to remind me when times get tough as I've had a tough couple of days.

I am seriously stressed over our new business. It has got off to a dreadful start and we have took absolutely nothing like what we would have expected to take for Easter Saturday. I left at 1pm as I was getting so depressed thinking about it all and how we've sunk so much money into it and so far it has failed to take off. I've just phoned him now and the market is open til 8pm tonight which is just a complete waste of time really. He has made a some more money since we left him but not as much as we'd hoped. Just hope tomorrow is better!!

On the ttc front have been doing lots of babydancing but other than that nothing else much to report.

Don't Quit!

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
when the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but do not quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow—
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out—
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit—
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

—Anonymous

Very Strange Call from my Doctors Surgery Today!!

CD 8

I had a very strange phone call from one of the receptionists at my doctors surgery and she introduced herself and then said to me 'Are you pregnant?' I replied no and she said 'Are you sure?' I said 'well I don't think I am as I had a period last week' She then asked if I'd done a test which I had a day or two before I was due on and that was negative!

I asked why as she kept asking if there was any way I could be pregnant and she said it was just because my iron levels were so low. I'm wondering now though if there is more to it than that though. Yesterday I went for a Haematinic Screen Blood Test and was told to expect the results in a week or so but then I got this phone call.

The doctor has given me a prescription for more iron tablets today (picked them up and there were 100 of them - I still got about 60 left from the hospital too) and have another blood test done in 2 weeks to check my iron levels again. Hopefully they should have improved by then as I am terrible at taking tablets. I really struggle to swallow them and end up flapping my hands about in front of my face to help them go down. Thankfully they are only small tablets so its not too bad. I remember I had some huge ones once and the only way I could swallow them was on a spoon mixed in with jam and even that wasn't always successful lol!!

I will be very glad when I can stop the iron tablets though as I hate the side effects. Not nice!! I've been very good at taking them and also my clomid. Usually when I get prescribed tablets I am always forgetting to take them but have done ok with both of these so far!! I am starting to feel a little better in myself and not quite so tired and feel I have a little more energy and have been able to stay awake til 11pm at night which is much more productive for babymaking!! Also not been getting up til 8.30am so thats much improved on the 7am I seemed to be waking up before the clocks went forward (or backwards was it? - I always get them mixed up!!) Long may it continue.

Chilling out!!

CD 7

I have been chilling out a lot more this last few days. I feel I need to after the roller coaster of last month. AF was fine in the end and only lasted 4 days so that was good.

I have felt much more emotional crying at silly things the last few days but I think that probably has as much to do with trying to set up a new business in a week as the Clomid.

Took my last clomid yesterday for this cycle and have decided to try and go with the flow as much as possible and try and adopt a 'if it happens it happens approach and my time will come'. Hopefully I can keep that up the whole month but I know I normally start to analyse everything far too much in the days leading to AF.

I went to the hospital path lab this morning to get my bloods taken for a Haematinic Screen. I asked what it was for and apparantly it is check your body can absorb the iron. I would say it probably can its just I don't eat a lot of red meat and I had heavy periods which thankfully have appeared to have settled down a hell of a lot. I should get the results in about a week or so.

I am also trying to eat much more healthily at the moment and make sure I get my 5 portions of fruit and veg. Its helped very much by the fact that strawberries seem pretty freely available again and have come down in price. I love them. I could eat a whole punnet in one sitting. They're delicious. Especially with cream but have resisted so far lol as I suppost that would defeat the object of it really.

I am cooking a delicious lasagne for tea tonight (with extra lean mince beef) served with salad leaves. Can't wait as its my favourite dish at the moment. Its helped by the fact that I can do it in the slow cooker and it cooks the pasta beautifully. Its making my mouth water now so suppose I had better get on and cook it if I am to have it ready for when dh gets back from the shop.

Could have done without it today!!

CD 3 Month 4 on Clomid

Took my first clomid tablet of this cycle last night. AF has got considerably heavier today and I have the lovely af cramps to go with it. I could really do without all this today as we have a really hectic day trying to get everything done so dh is ready to start trading from tomorrow.

I am just hoping af does not return to flooding me (sorry tmi) as I will only have limited use of a toilet and it is mainly used by the workmen that are in there at the moment. Also what's the betting that when I go there isn't any toilet roll. I think I need a bigger handbag so I can take one with me.

I am worried about this making my iron levels worse than ever. I have already felt really dizzy this morning and had to sit down til the feeling past. I need to be on my feet today doing the million and one things that need to get done but I need af to lighten up a little to get it done instead of it making me feel lousy as it is now!!

Its going to be a very long day I reckon today!! Hopefully I'll get through it ok.

Yesterday started off well but turned into a nightmare. We were printing away and everything was coming out beautifully. We ran out of Magenta ink so changed the cartridge to a compatable and it accepted it fine. 20 minutes later we ran out of black ink and put the compatable in and the printer was having none of it. Tried everything including opening another black compatable but the printer just would not accept it. So that stopped production mid afternoon yesterday. I then tried ringing round for the proper cartridges to be told that it is a brand new printer so no one stocks them yet!! Grrr!! I eventually spoke to an Office Supplier and they have assured me I will have 2 cartridges waiting for me at 9am this morning so fingers crossed this is the case and that the other cartridges are accepted ok.

Its looking like its going to be a late one tonight though with everything that needs to be done and I am shattered before its even begun!!

Got to have another blood test

I got a letter from my doctor today asking me to go for a blood test and he has ticked specimen type blood and for other tests he has written 'Haematinic Screen'. I have tried to google it but I have no idea what they are testing for. I know obviously it is something to do with me being anaemic.

All I get on google is medical jargon I can't make head nor tail of. Its too late to phone the doctors to find out now. If anyone reads this and knows what it is then can you please leave a comment. My mind is racing trying to work out what it is as I've never heard about it before.

It's CD2 today and af is behaving herself fortunately and is the best I've had in a number of years. Hopefully its a sign things are getting back to normal!!

Onto Month 4!!

CD 1

So we are onto Month 4 of Clomid now. I am determined to try and relax a bit more and bring some fun back into the bedroom. I feel like I have been on an emotional rollercoaster for the last 2 weeks with highs but mainly lows. I need to follow my doctors advice - make love not make baby and the baby will come!! I love my doctor he's really funny. Everytime we see him he says that.

I am hoping this is the month. I had a prediction off Jenny Renny saying that I would conceive in April and have a baby boy on 10th January 2010. I know I should really take these things with a pinch of salt but I am praying this will be true!!

It would be fantastic if this was the month I got pg as dh would have finished work at the beginning of November and not start again til just before Easter. One of the joys of living in Blackpool and being self employed is that its hard work doing seven days a week during the season but he then gets over 4 months off before it starts all over again. We usually make sure we put enough money away so we can live comfortably out of season.

AF is behaving herself at the moment and not too heavy. I was really worried about getting a heavy af whilst being so anaemic so fingers crossed it doesn't get too bad.

So onwards and upwards we go!!