Worse day so far!!!

I don't why on earth I keep putting myself through this. I hate it. Every month is the same. I get my hopes raised only to be brought back down to earth extremely harshly with an almighty bump. I suppose really I shouldn't torment myself by doing tests but I can't help it. I find it impossible to hold back in the 2nd week of the 2 week wait.

I did a first response test straight away when I got up this morning and it was horrible Big Fat Negative. I was devastated and got back into bed for a cuddle with dh. He cuddled me and just let me cry it out which was what I needed I think. Then I had to plaster a happy face on for the kids and get them ready for school.

I chatted to a good friend on facebook this morning and she has made me feel better about things and put a smile back on my face for a little while. She has been through Clomid before but unfortunately it didn't work for her and she has accepted that she will never have any children. I really don't think I could accept that but I suppose there will come a time when I think enough is enough and take a break but I can't see that happening at the moment.

I am so desperate for another baby. I just cannot imagine life without another one. I was watching Josh & Ellie playing with a little baby on Saturday and even help give her a bottle and I really want them to be able to do that with their own brother or sister. I just hope we get there some day soon as it is starting to eat away at me now.

I thought I had done really well this month too concentrating on losing weight but it always gets so hard to think of anything else in the 2 week wait.

Am feeling lousy too now and am just waiting for af to show up so I can get on with the next month of Clomid. This is the last month I have tablets for so am going to try and get in to see my doctor over the next week or so to see if he will prescribe me some more. I am really scared he will say no and then I don't know what I will do. Dh has said he doesn't want to go down the more invasive routes of iui or ivf plus we haven't the money to do it either so that's out. I just hope it works soon cos each month is like ripping my heart out.

I'll update again when either I can post something more positive or I go to the doctors.